Things I’ve Tried That Didn’t Work

Dry shampoo:

In the end a filthy scalp never wins, and neither does planet earth if you’re still using half an aerosol can per day on your head. I know for many, the toss up between being truly concerned about the planet and good hair will be very difficult. I’ve never had good hair, so this one is easy for me.

Dry shampoo gave me a window into the world of big hair, but cognitively, it threw me back to the days of thinking about the ozone. What’s the status on that? Is it gone? Did we give up? Has the ocean’s plight vastly outshone our need for UV protection?

You won’t like what I’m about to say, but it seems we North Americans are only willing to change in ways that don’t make us too uncomfortable. I’m not excluding myself; so don’t get too angry with me. Isn’t it so quintessentially North American that whatever thing we decide to go without, generates a whole new series of products to buy? For example, in the heavily scrutinized plastic straw debacle, we now we have paper straws, stainless steel straws, stainless straw cleaners, and manufacturing and shipping emissions to go along with all of them. And if you really need one, you still know where to find a plastic one.

It’s too bad we couldn’t decide as a country on a couple of things we could all do without. We could vote by mail-in referendum and everyone just not bother to respond.

Warming lube:

I am probably dating myself here. Do they still make this stuff? Maybe I put it on the wrong parts, but the sensation delivered by warming lube, was ‘for sure’ more what I’d call burning.

I’m all for altered realities, but generally like a little warning ahead of time. Any product containing capsicum usually comes with a caution to avoid contact with eyes and mucous membranes. But I suppose every once in awhile we ought to throw caution to the wind and rub it on our cooch. Why the fuck not? Or, more accurately, “Why the fuck not- ‘not fuck’?” Let’s just sit in a cold bath and look into each other’s eyes, wordlessly answering the question “Why?”

Like I said, I probably did it wrong. But, it got me thinkin’…whereby now I feel stuffed crust pizza is gratuitous, putting caffeine in beer is dangerous (shakes cane), and making scented toilet paper is well,

intentionally deceptive. Though who is being fooled, I cannot say. And what level of smelling they are doing to decide the scented paper is helping things out, is something I wish I hadn’t considered.

As consumerism slowly swallows us alive, we’re realizing much of what we’ve created is gratuitous. Call me a traditionalist, or just a bad North American but we could pare some of this down quite a bit. But globalism and capitalism’s brainchild is a creative beast, who obeys no rules. Possibly unplanned, the unruly beast was left in the doorway (or pocket) of each of us. You can be your own brand. You can do anything, make anything and buy anything in just a few clicks.

It’s quite wonderful, and kind of awful.

Regardless of where you stand on products and the free market, we’ve implicitly agreed our number one customer is a non-entity. For visibility and legitimacy, we depend on algorithms. We feed them our information, for the most part, unconcerned that the information we feed them, could just as easily be used to select against us. Genetics, political leanings, financial information, you know, nothing too important. That is, unless you’re trying to build a super race and control all the resources and finances in order to save yourself and few superior others through an ecological transmutation of unknown proportions.

But it would be antisocial to talk about that.

I suppose what I’m trying to say in all of this is I’ve become uncertain. My own ability to control what I ingest seems weakened. My ability to process what comes at me is dulled. I’ve become lazy and dimwitted, accepting passively, rather than actively considering my choices.

And there are so many choices to make. Some so complex and obscured they could be changing our current agreements of justice and morality, while others less complicated, like simply deciding what to smear on my genitals to give me a thrill today. It would seem I should aspire to some ability to call attention to the gravity of one over the other, in my day-to-day life. But at the moment, the burning question, is ‘how?’

One size fits all:

I figure this phrase is on its way out anyway, but I’ll put in my two cents, since I’m on a roll. I think it’s pretty obvious by now that one size, most never fits all. Not hats, not socks, not scarves or slankets or warm woolen mittens.

I’m wondering if we should remove the term ‘one size fits all’ from the English language. It doesn’t seem to be a real thing- very especially in this case. What got me twisted here was in regards to hormonal birth control. The kind they implant in your body and say is slow release, like plant fertilizers. THE IUD.

Now, one could maybe draw inferences to the size of a person’s uterus, or size of ability to control suicidal thoughts as their hormonal balance is intentionally pushed off balance (as was the apex of my experience with messing around with my hormones), but something seems off to me, though I am not really qualified to say what, exactly.

If we were talking about something more innocuous, like Advil or weed gummies, it would go without saying that a smaller person would ingest less to attain the desired result. So I am utterly confused how a device, implanted inside of you that administers something as delicate and confounding to modern science as

hormones could be a one size fits all prescription.

I am not a doctor, just someone handing out free, unsolicited opinions.

The only down side of the proposal to banishing the one size fits all, is we will have to give true consideration to those who say one-sized condoms don’t fit their oversized penis.


You can help yourself. For me this usually is to reference more dessert or chicken wings. Most self-help involves a book, or a seminar in which case you are accessing help from another person, by yourself. But you’re still getting help from another person. I have had the sad experience of trying to self-help without other people and I don’t recommend it (see above re: suicidal thoughts).

Other people are very helpful, when you need help. Although if it is in reference to hormonal birth control be careful who you ask, as certain doctors will say what you are talking about is ‘anecdotal’ and send you on your suicidal way. Needing help is a place in life, where whatever is in your brain is no longer enough to navigate your situation. Every brain has a limit, even Brian Minter.1

1. Yet to be proven.

It took me a long while to figure this out, and though it may appear I seem to have managed to sort out a few things here and there, there are still lots of places I need help. I am deeply indebted to those who pop by to help me ponder questions about how to live a life that doesn’t hurt anyone, how to live a life that doesn’t hurt your self and how to stay bright in a world that sometimes feels bent on extinguishing our spark.

I don’t have answers. But I like to talk. So when I’m not busy questioning the viability of my business, all my life choices, and the future of humankind, I’m available if you should ever need that type of help from someone beside yourself.

Mostly an observer. Small person, large social anxiety. Chocolatier & ex-postal worker. I’M FINE.